Movie: Noah, or

 The bible epic vegans have been waiting for

... oh Emma Watson is vegan, that's why she did this

  First of all I would like to give a shout out to the real stars of this movie, Emma Watson's and Jennifer Connoly's eyebrows.  They brought their A game and it was a tour de force.

  Anyway, this movie suffered a bit from what I like to call the Super Mario Brothers Syndrome. Which is when a studio takes a well loved and well established property, Super Mario Bros. or the Bible, and decides that fan base is not enough.  See for their point of view the Nintendo Power/ Bible readers are already coming, they need a way to hook everyone else.  SMBs decided to add... frankly i cant describe the decisions behind that movie, but Bob Hoskins claims he was drunk the whole time, RIP.

  What they did here was assume that the big fans of the book were already coming so what they needed was a villain, because otherwise the villain of the movie is arguably God, also some monsters and a wizard.

  To address the last part first Sir Anthony Hopkins is in this movie.  He plays Methuselah, who is also for some reason an actual wizard.  He gives you some advice, some visions and at one point, gives Emma Watson some serious horny pants.  Yea he gets his great grandson? laid by rubbing her forehead and then Emma Watson runs off and takes him straight down to pound town.  Also he cures her infertility so they can continue the human race. or something.  He also has a berry fixation.

  Middle part next, the monsters.  So at some point angels tried to help man after the whole Cain and Abel thing and god sent them down to earth.  At which point they become encased in stone and hexapodal?  Then teach man science and metal working and how to use the magic fire rocks....

...oh yea there are magic fire rocks...I really gotta re-read the bible

... and civilization.  Which is aparantly evil because metal weapons and armor and killing people and slavery and eating meat.  Which is like the eviliest thing.

  Yes this movie depicts the eating of meat as the worst thing you can do.  It starts off with some hunters killing a dog/pangolin hybrid, that Noah then gives a speech to his kids about how they thing eating meat will make you stronger but its wrong to kill the dogolins...pangogs?

  This point gets hammered home when Noah sees the "civilized" folk trading slaves, women specifically, for meat and at one point the crowd tears apart a live deer.  Which leads Noah to believe that all mankind must die.  more on that later.

  There is also a bad guy, who really fails to menace or do much really other than be gravely.  I mean he hits the standard note, you killed my father and took the magic thing he had, but just meh.

  So, army of civilization attacks, giant rock angels protect the ark, flood happens and they escape, but wait, evil bad guy made it on the boat.  Now one of the sons of Noah is like buddy buddy cuz Noah did not let him keep the slave girl he rescued and let her get trampled...

...Noah is a huge dick in this by the way...

...so while Noah is waiting to murder his unborn, presumably awesome eyebrowed, grandchild, evil baddy and corrupted seed attack Noah, older son saves day, they crash onto some land, doves, branches ya know.

  Noah decides not to kill his twin granddaughters, which no one address that they are going to fuck their flesh and blood uncles, and turns to drink.  The family is farming and hes naked on a beach, yadda yadda moving speech, reconciliation he puts down the berry juice, the end.

Ugh,
no stars six demerits for all involved.
Unamed players, get sent back to the minors, Russle Crowe you've officially used up all your gladiator cred, Jennifer Connoly you still have plenty of cred left, Emma Watson, keep on keeping on were just going to call this a rare miss.